not the girl you think i am
i keep myself afloat
by holding on to moonlight
i break, i'm regularly held together
with pieces of string
formed from the words you say

what of my strength is not a farce
naught of my life is without darkness
i am not the girl you think i am
i need you like i need the air
i breathe and gasp when you are there
for i am always needing you near

what has god done with his cruel fates
to let the light fall on my empty spaces
my frailty slips into my hope of your hands
to know you live in this space but you do not take
i'm not the girl you think i am
in these days i am the needy and poor
the illiterate, the follower, the something more

you are a tattoo under my skin
a word and a line from a song
i'm still trying to write
but you are the rhythm
you are in my heart tonight

your skin on my skin
is a memory, the future of everything
your skin on my skin

your words in my ear
your love in my hands
your touch is my life
you are in my heart tonight

your skin on my skin
the future of everything
the tattoo under my skin
you are in my heart tonight

the spirit draws near
when we are close
as we are closer and closer

over and over and over
over and over and over
you are in my heart tonight
you are in my heart tonight

oh today why couldn't you be
a little more like the coffee guy
for he is sweet and kind
and always looks me in the eye
notices the little things and
how i like my drinks, the time of the day
and where the lie of the land is
he knows with just three words
and i would like to taste his lips
but there is no heart on the line
with that one, not like with you

for you look me in the eye and straight away
you know more than i decided to give away
i'm a dead giveaway
you know how i like my things, my drinks, my funny ways
you fight me anyway on the ones you take your pride in
i have no pride around you anyway

oh just for today
if there were no consequences and no regrets
i would take your lips and claim them as my own
even for a day in summer sun have a dream of you again

there are twelve little pieces of my heart
each wrapped up in parcels of history
two blue eyes, one from my granddaddy
the other from my father
two hazel black rings around my iris
from my mothers deep strong heart
i have the colour of her freckles
the shape of her hands for making things
the way of her feet from walking
in the name of my grandmother
over long distances all in the sake of grace

i have the voice of my family name
in the absence of a father i wear it loud
redeeming something better, stronger, clearer
we landed on a western shore all of us strangers
scattered together by a skim of fate and chance
mothers and fathers all, brothers and sisters
from the northern lands with misfits acquired among us
black and brown and irish hues
my english blood a tinge of blue

i am pieces of history, northern sands and mills and things
small towns built on distant dreams and long ago tales of america
the distant shores of australia and all the darklands in between
i am pieces of history, riverside miner families
dark ginger hair and a whispered prayer for far off better days somewhere
the south and western coast a rugged, barren heartland start

there is a bloodline under my skin
that makes some sense of the mess of me
a line of trouble and a spring of hope
and under blue eyes something starts..

won't you walk with me
up the hill then down to the bay
one thousand steps and we will be ok
i spend my dollars and time all in the sake
of loving you, you are the love in my life
the shadows of the sun glancing on my cheeks
oh that you could take the hand offered to you
in the moment i could've loved you so well
and still stolen nothing from you

walk with me one thousand steps and a day
under sun and rain

the conspiracy of scarlet thread
around your finger, the caress
of silk and other woven things
like a dream or a hope, sewn here

in a hem or a seam, holding together
i am cancelling our affairs
i've lost my tongue under the spell
of your hand on the back of my neck
this will not stand, i cannot stand
knees shake, heart quakes
the spirit and the flesh all unwilling
to hold to higher things
so forget my name, i'm leaving our affair undone
already my future full of regretting
words not spoken
your name, kiss, lips, touch, love
spoken from each limb, my scarlet thread
and all i'll ever have of you

play me a minor chord, i have a sad song in my heart
and there is not a thing that you can do to ease the tide
there are no notes that match the dissonance of sorrow
the beauty of the darkness falling, the sad little tune

play me a minor chord, follow it with thirds and then a 7th
by the time the dawn arrives, we'll be through me and you
me to go my own way with this sad new song and you, to where you go
down to the dark, lonely depths that i cannot, will not go

i have a sad song in my heart
i have bought you sunshine
tattooed wisdom on my shoulders
til i've been going backwards
but we'll be through, me and you

enjoy these final notes, this last reprise another chorus line
i'll write you one last soaring melody with notes of gray
shading blue along the wake, stay up all night to finish off the ache
wine bottle emptied alongside the minor chords we'll write tonight

we're so much better in the melancholy a sad retreat wasn't fooling anybody
for i am magnet to the foolhardy, fools and i am the biggest fool of all
there is a foolish colour to all these minor chords and fooling words
nobody gets fooled anymore, the melody of my love is a breaking curse

could i be sent, sent out into the night, by the dawn a parcel of light

play me a minor chord, i have a sad song in my heart
and there is not a thing that you can do to ease the tide
there are no notes that match the dissonance of sorrow
the beauty of the darkness falling, the sad little tune

in the light
at the close of the day
there is the darkness falling
and the starlight rising in your eyes, i
know the way to your heart
know the beat of your soul
know the rhythm, i know the way to your heart

in the grace
at the end of it all
love like the light is rising
and the moonlight falling on your skin, i
know the way to your heart
know the beat of your soul
know the rhythm, i know the way to your heart

and i won't
hold you like i want to
touch you like i need to
i will hold back desire, for
in this land that is plenty
it does good to have less
and if i want you this much
surely i should learn control

you, got me like the stars
hanging on the moon, every word, every thought
is you, calmly putting back together the world
after we shattered it with all our foolish schemes
and hope, is rising like the light surer than my fight
our fight, the fight to live and then die
closer than brothers, so i could take you as my lover
and if i want you this much
surely i should learn control

in the river of stones
the water pools up and soon
the world slides to her knees
the trembling fire

there is a light on the iris
a wire to the moon
your hand fits my breast
skims the curve of my hips
i make a wife of my art

shivering down to the knees again
rocking to ground with the beat of it
i am the love of the life
that has fire and heat

in the river of stones
the blackbird sings a little song
blood beats, sings along
strip down to the marrow
life comes in the marrow of the pain
the rush, the crush, the water
running over, boiling up from under-
neath the weaving stones, a tapestry
of earth, broken fiery heat
coming down to her knees
i make a wife of my art
i am the love of a life

Respiré con su respiración y le amé

i died in the death of your presence
when light ceased falling
in the amber of cloaked sin
the flickering break on beaten shore
with every despairing and failing part
each stricken, wounded, drowning quarter of my heart
i died in your arms while we were walking

you spilt over into multiple hearts in
one aching moment but i died in moment of knowing
how much of a ghost a man becomes in the dark
so your life goes on in the womb of empty
and mine carries on to a distant shore
while darkness falls here on my wife
my bride of long, white cloud and rain
you becoming another ghost, again
i die on your exhaling breath

you spent all your sweat, skin and love
spilled it on rocky soil with salty air
you ran like silt in the river
still i'm the ocean and the sailboat on the ocean
the lakes and the rain, the endless water
the quenching thunder am I, setting sail
water like the oboe and the flute calling out
the summer songs, the haze and sweet notes of
warm light falling up, springing back to life
from the breath on which I died, and i loved you.

sometimes in the sunshine
under the spring light
when all things seem hopeful
and your skin is warm against mine
i wish my heart didn't beat so fast
nor time spin by so quickly
for fear i am wasting my portion of you

oh i'm held out on a line
a tripping wire between the breaking and the shame
i can hear the guns firing me down to the ground
the grace of your breath over me

sorrow like a knife under my jaw
the fleeting darkened rage of my possession
the battle flaring over and around me war-like to claim
some piece of dirt and earth under my feet

running through my blood is your
heat and the shimmer of eyes in floods, desire
in the strength and beat of days and nights your rhythm
you're the perfect storm, under and over my skin

caught between the tension of hope and despair
the crush of tempest in touch and trauma, bullets grazing
spirit aflame in the night, in the dawn, in the light
the burning spirit speaks my name, Life i crave

oh, i'm held out on the line
a tripping wire between the breathing and the kiss
the storm like rain on my skin and the dance beginning
guns firing basslines in your words on me

you, in
heat, touch,
life, spark,
spirit, love,
dance, storm,
tempest, dark,
rhythm, light,
breath, grace,
burning, kiss
over me.

the edges of my life were worn out
the pieces threaded bare and worn through
you came with a magic thread
i thought you were stitching up my wounds
still you were tying me up in knots
the kind that take the longest time
to come undone

and when i thought you were fixing the ache
stopping the bleeding, pressing yourself into the break

you were never saving me, only yourself
you were never for me, only taking my heart
my strong heart til i was nearly worn out

i was all frayed and falling apart
i was closed up and freaking out
you came with a magic thread
you wove in and out of my life
threaded me across the edges
your knot takes the longest time to undo

you were never saving me, only yourself
you were never for me, only taking my heart
my strong heart til i was nearly worn out
my deep wounds til i was wrung out
myself stitched up and in knots so hard to undo
myself unravelling from you
you stitched me up in a evil way
you were never saving me, only yourself
you were never for me, only taking my heart
i thought you were stitching up my wounds
i thought you were healing all my wounds
i thought you were pressed into my heart
but you were

threading the line around the edges
roping the heart into a noose
i could only hang myself or bleeding
realise the only truth is off and weeping

you were never saving me, only yourself
you were never for me, only taking my heart
i thought you were stitching up my wounds
i thought you were healing all my wounds
i thought you were pressed into my heart
but you were

tying a knot that takes the longest time to undo

if all else fails
let's go back to the part
where we couldn't get lost if we tried
under my skin was the map to the home of your heart
all your words lived under mine

if all else fails
i've got a picture of you
breathing from before the start of it

i'm all springtime and summer'd up
living on sunshine and moonlight grass
haze and fog the beginning and end of days
i'm living out of suitcases and little dresses

emboldened by the distance i think of you
with easy-going laughter at the things you'd say
i'm lonely for the touch and hope of you
the giggle and the easing at the end of day

believe me, don't forget me the road isn't all that long
barely a sleep and a blink til i'm home again
the fleeting shiver of home creeping in on me
i'm crawling back into your arms, make a space for me

enough sunshine under my eyes for the colours
all the blues and hues i was hoping for i've caught
up into my insides, i'm turning blue inside for you
laughing and rolling into the night when i'm aching for you

you have eyes like thunder and rain
but i have a fierce heart
you are smoke and water
but i am a roaring flame
and you like the spark in me

i'm scraping my fingernails
down the skin of my arm
to avoid touching the heat of your skin
soon i'm about to become a
correspondence lover
a lover despondent far from you
your skin against mine now would tattoo me
undo me enough that i'd be wrapped inside you
and find pieces of you scattered in me
days after the goodbye

there is a breathlessness in waiting
my suspicion is that you've already
found your way into my being by osmosis
with basslines and beats made in secret
all of that the foreplay and the premise
oh the trigger is still the flash of your eyes
touching me in the language of skin
while you're playing steam, licking the air
with sound and smoke, always responding
wanting a response from me, i sing inside and out

i'm running fingernails over shoulders
through your skin with words
a tattoo to your ear, your heart, being
my correspondence by touch and sound and letter
scattered over bodies and ideas and music
for hours and hours on end, in preparing
such sweet, soft, hard, breathless goodbyes
making new doorways of hello, making new words
contemplating such old, extraordinay sins
because you set alight the spark in me.

sometimes i cut myself and watch the river bleed
i think about the blood spilling for me
it seems to make some sense that sometimes
pain can set me free, though i am still a slave to it

i guess they figure i can't learn salvation
the truth is i relate to Jesus more when he is bleeding
more than they could ever know, i find some
comfort in his being good at bleeding too

i have a scar upon the inside of my arm
i mostly hide it with my sleeve but honesty dictates
i ought to tell sometimes i'm proud to look down on it
i see that i still despite the pain of me

so i won't do this to myself forever, I promise
though i'm broken i know whereupon i stand
i have found the truth and it speaks to my demands
when i bleed i still know hope will rise again

give my heart its true north
compass setting
this is such a lonely place
whre i have forgotten the sound of your voice
i do not know the way home
you are the highway
the signpost
the streetlamp
the gate and the path to the door
where i live

______________________________________


i break, i boil, i live a little where you are
even when you're far away

in these spaces i live, I know the streets and the doorways
the windows, i know where you are in the spaces
what i want now from this, is the presence of being
and you, you where you are, occupied time.

______________________________________


my heart is right across the world tonight
echoing and calling you back home
oh i hold nothing against for being out of town
out there in the world on the horizon line
but get here, get here now, be first
you'll be home tonight
if you make it to my arms

i've written pages of lovesongs and letters in the waiting
but i never know which one to send cos
i've written myself down to give away gently
i'm echoing and calling you back home
but everything i know is falling to pieces
i think i used to be fragile but i'm stronger now
all the days are long enough for daylight to be boring now
missing you can feel quite nice for a while
but sadness fades into focus in the darkness
from out on the horizon line
get here, get here now, you'll be home tonight

__________________________________________

so many hours in weaving a thread
of a life that with dignity
pride and delight in a smile
eyes that tell me things i never knew
we have lived out loud without any shame
who's, what's, where's and why's all in a line

until you made me a secret
i screamed from the inside no,
don't put me in the dark
but you stripped me away to naked
i became a quiet hush
instead of the song out loud in life

like bullets to a collapsing spine
all my courage and strength to the wire
dignity pulled away into pieces
when you made me a secret
laughter fell away into silence
everything warm became cold in the night
my bed never felt so lonely
til i became the never-said, the quiet hush

i screamed from the inside no,
don't put me in the dark
but you stripped me away to naked
i became a quiet hush

alone, i greet you
a mottled hue welcome.. come and follow
i will seat you
uncover you, from the feet
to neck, i find you under there

so being naked now
down to the soul
take off your eye
and use hands, polarize senses
honesty, being gentle to the need
leave grace in your reflections

alone, meet me in the hush
eyelock and fingers just whispering things
to each other
lay by me, in the proxim of warmth
in agreement to intimate
being totality, me
being you, just be.
__________________________________

let light be the essence of what we build
with gentle strong arms and
struggling voice... battle weary
let us build from windows of vision
with form and shape
using light as the point of interest
lay down the old nail
using instead hands and bodies
to mould and press this house together
this testimony
honour and worship being purpose
take breath as a sacrifice and breath
into the light structure
your light is strength and true design
of clarity
hand for pressing and shaping
body to move and flow
rise and fall of the blood

building temples.
__________________________________________

the wind and the rain in my hair
tiny wet drops on my glasses
still i somehow hope they hide me from you
it seems nothing does

tonight there was divinity in the air
you didn't walk, didn't run
you stayed beside me in the rain
stood in the wind
when it was over
offered me shelter of your arms

i let you fall over me
slipping myself underneath
i didn't need equal or more
just needed now to be held
who knows what happens now
after the storm and the rush
but for a moment here in sunlight
i remember dancing under your touch

__________________________________________

hush now
close your mouth
don't speak
we are in a place that's not for words
just breathe
feel the spirit float in and over

quiet now
don't argue this
let the presence flow
just inhale
let go
we just need to be

close your eyes and take my hand
squeeze it tighter
as the weight drops on
feel the tremble of 20,000 tonnes or more

holding all breath
close your mouth
just be
here in the flow of the river
feel the crush

close your eyes as the mighty water
falls just over us
feel the tremble of 20,000 tonnes or more
take my hand and squeeze tighter

be here with me
enjoy the presence
stop all time
while His Spirit is in motion
__________________________________________________

a dream in 1998

there's a peace coming for a time
where we will stay and lsiten to the air for a while
competing and combining in breath and gasp
from two sets of crimson lips
tarnished hips and bruises
this dance you know but i am new to join

pray it does not trouble you
to teach me how to breathe and move again

but i will not run and hide from things as these
i do not know rather i will try a little harder
keep slightly closer, follow you and watch myself
carefully imitate and learn to make this rhythm
you already know, and i have to learn
but there is a peace coming for a time
neither will care who knew what when we began

this will be our dance for a time
circling. the twisting together entwined
i will learn the things you speak and never speak
you can take from me to enjoy it once again

from limb and soul
the peace does grow
from deep joy
playful days follow
what is new to me
will be new again to you
i will make it so
a gift for one anothers
rhythm will rise and descend
in sweet and heavy songs
and the ghosts will go
leaving us to dance, dance
speaking to only each other

there will birth and rebirth
from our entanglement
others will watch with large eyes
allow us to surprise them
we will not stop once it's begun
there is too much here of touch and haste
love and consuming taste
so first and last, old and new will fade
for a peace is coming for a time
that will give us all we need
and we will dance in rhythm

oh the fingerprints of God are rustling the pages
desire and fury all running together
along a scale unknown and boredom comes teetering along

oh i'm tired of seduction and the deception of it
and the complex rage of skin where it's lost on me
i'm quieted by tormenting eyes and fingers
that rake and haunt of sex and nothing, love is nothing

all of the poems have melodies
dissonant and changing keys with chorus
following choruses and verses that leap out of sync
faltering crescendos and endless valleys
falling onwards and over after your words.

my author writes to me like a brother
a deep true friend his words like ink and truth in a tattoo
surround my mysteries and hold them up to light
eerie like examination photographs in uv light
longing that feels like a blanket of warmth and my heart full
i've been on a long road home from indiana
leaving behind the synergy and chemistry
of a man with machinery and cigarette smoke and silent words
that brings a wordsmith out to life in a welding arc
smoke heat heart spark
he knows my longing for main st nashville and barbeque
late night blues clubs on the mississippi
gruhns guitars and like all cities i love in the south
the mississippi runs through them
my hunting fishing smoking travelling river
through the deep slow South at the side of a calloused man
gold leaves and falling stars in wide ocean skies
a bluesmaster deville '68 and all in silence, with the author.

flying parallel to the dawn, slow rising over indiana
cornfields crisscrossed with railroad tracks, numbered highways in a row.
the only time you ever get to run away from light
is an aeroplane at 12,000 feet, in an indiana dawn
shadows falling to the left of me, orange sunburst on the right,
all i'm thinking of is north and south, what's behind and straight ahead.
got a hunger for the falling leaves, the whole state covered
with the crisp shake of red and gold stretched under a blue sky high
takes two whole hours for the sun to rise in a place so wise
all falling under the spell

they took the time to carve out a graveyard
out of the rock wall of the land
laid out in neat and perfect rows
they didn't fill up but they're waiting
for me to return home

down though the glade where the trees grow
and embrace on and over hongi's track
i took a road down south and east out to the coast
to fill up my soul before i left home
climbing on a steel bird
flight so noisy and loud
so high i nearly lose my roots
i don't want to lose the anchor
my anchor to you

near white bricks shaped over Gisbourne Point
you brought them all the way from Spain
borne over with the weight of your dark love
and you built your lighthouse to sail out
over beyond the point, where the sea rolls under

and i've learned I let you blame me for your sorrows
so you can choose to forgive me, so we can always start again

i took a road i've never been down before
so i could say i'd seen a little more since i last left home
saw a billion photographs but didn't take a single one
so i know i'll have to return to the dark shape of this coastline
to the rough-hewn landscape of what your love built

cos even the lonely abandoned places
have gravestones with flowers on them
and empty places for the travellers and paupers
where the unforgiven find a place to lie down under your love and the sea.

thought about you
a few times in the past days
and your hands and eyes
around smiling
the nakedness of
running hands
through hair
once we're beyond it
anything
but friendship
in the moments
realizing we have all
if only we want it
that your warmth and my
softness make for comfortable
sleeping
alongside a good friend
waking up in the arms
of a love that was strong enough
thinking all about goodbyes
saying them, kissing them
telling you to hold my heart
closely
don’t drop it out of the plane
it might be useful in
the future if you are cold

stillness like the water
sitting on silver in the bay
restless without motion

this is the way of the light
this is the rush of the day
coming to the peace

you are the voice in my head
speaking into silence
shaking the day

this is the way of the light
moving into the quiet
shelter of your wings

speaking into the silence
like water resting
in the silver of the bay
restless
without motion

I want to feel new
find my rest in your presence
but it seems like the night
will remain steadfastly dark

and so I sit here in the Quiet places
hiding away from the world
fearlessly shaking tears away

here hidden away from sight and sound
let me rest here
find sanctuary in your arms
good and soft wings

you are the lakefront
peaceful and still
your mist like a soft blanket over me
so safe and secure
rippled by willow branches
how beautiful this peace

be my strength
sweet air sweet lovely breath
let me be free
flying like birds, soaring on air
one day let me be an angel

night has been dark like death
so silent ominous and your presence
does not encourage the respite of my tears

and I run, I run and I run
from the loudness of voices
wherever I turn
I run into your wiud
to be hidden by your wings
good and soft wings
hidden from the night
in your good, peaceful sanctuary
let me now be free
I find you in the quiet

blink, once, twice
in the stairwell, the gated path
blinking back, splattered with tears from the sky
black, dark, night
falling on pavement that never asks
pulling down shadows from under the night

blink, twice, long
hold me there fast in your gaze
Love, chases me down from the skies with envy
blue, skies, deep
wide as the flight of the sand of the beach
Love, echoed His voice on the wind, shivering

the clock wound, the key turned, a string broke
the notes flew out of tune
the song broke at the same time, the girl
she remembered how lonely she was

time and age got the girl again
wrapped her up in crime and expectations
passion caught up in the index of the magazine
of the self portraits she hates to take

she wounded an extremity
by throwing her heart out to you
now's broken in two, a piece of the old
a piece of the new, truly
she didn't know how it would go

oh i'm less than satisfactory
but i am hidden mysteries
and depths so deep you could search me
for centuries and still
i'd surprise you but you don't know
anything about how i could satisfy you

you'd learn to love the whiskey on my tongue
and the tattooed things you'd see when i'm undone
and you'd be satisfied with the food of my table
and the songs of my journals, all the words i gather
setting you on fire, the people i love
and the God i follow, you'd love the taste of honey
'cos nothing is what is seems, least of all, the satisfaction.

Sugar

you are so sweet to me
like moonlight in doorways
you make things appear
different to what they are
and things through your eyes are much
softer.

i'm making it the hard way
fighting all the goodness
never laying down all that i should
i am fighting your sweetness
trying to take the sugar off my
tongue.

pleasing myself and pleasing you
there's a civil war between the
hemispheres of my head, my heart
likes to break over and over
my sugarcane heart breaks over you.

_____________________________________


Honest
i'm struggling for air and breathing out of rhythm
where once i was a dancer now i'm lost
caught in urban degradation
trying to find reason
the semantics of philosophy have caught
me

i am
floating like i have no wings
running like i have no legs, falling with
no unforeseen landing
this is perfect
it's a perfect time for raining
with three loads of laundry
and no soap powder for the mind

my head is a regular cycle on agitate

__________________________________________


one day all our dreams will come true
we will laugh and play away the rest of our days
delighting in sunlight and savouring winter warmth
those will be the very best of days
but these days here will have a special place
when we waited to see the actualities of plans and hopes.
i know that i will be content, because i have known you
and you have known me...

__________________________________________



racing home
in the pouring rain
and all i can
imagine
at this perfect
and
lonely moment
is laying
there for hours
on end, tucked safely
in your arms
i'm hydroplaning beyond
the speed of light
and definitely
beyond
my senses that should
be telling
me
not to fall quite
so hard
this time

_________________________________


so here i am oh God.
do with me what you will. i'm nothing more
than breeze making it's way over hill
in the grand kaleidescope of structure and design
the life that you have given us

a dozen dreams a day have i
and each could be a destiny
but here i am, i'm still
fighting for completion of the parts
that don't make sense.

_________________________________

got me sleepless and in limbo
but oh, i love you, it's okay
i'll be broken for a time
i'll stay floating above
the words that you say
but oh, i love you, it's okay

_______________________________


hey there girl
just keep crawling
pour another glass of wine
have another conversation about nothing
and everything
all at once
watch another sunrise
sleep all day
watch another moonrise
bathe in some Light

_______________________________


they say
you can't write poetry on a computer
but in ten or twenty years
i'm not sure that i'll know any other way

certainly i prefer the feel of paper and the
silkiness of my pen spilling it's
emotional ink all under my fingers
instead of Bill's cold plastic giving me RSI

i never heard of anyone getting RSI from
sending too many Hallmark cards
technology is battling me for your heart
you spend your life breathing here

living over there, 4000 miles away
ten days ago i sent you love poems and dreams
all on my computer. maybe if i had sent you
paper.. you would love me
and live here with me.

_____________________________________


six months since valentine's
made promises and since
i wrestled sand with you
and my head pounds on
the waves of your tide

the moon glow fills the
sky silver and the street lamps
orange glow
a strange diversity
my toes warm and hiccupy
i leave the curtains open
silhouettes of power poles
and pine trees

i want God to be able to get
my attention
if he shines in my direction
i'm still wrestling with you

_______________________________


i have come to this place to dream
to lay out in sun light
to drink wine
ponder life and all the meaning
that no longer exists.

i chased it down
and through meadows.
my cobblestones of sweat
my tears the pathways of venice.

i did not find you in the old places,
Wisdom.. even when i looked for you.

Friday's Coming

I don't know where to start
i don't know where we lost the way
but this one thing is certain now
tomorrow is a day for starting over..

don't be scared my love
don't be scared at all
tomorrow is the perfect day
for starting over
starting over
starting over with you and me
and everybody else
we're starting over

i don't know where we got confused
i don't know how we got here
there are a million things i fail to understand
a million things still undecided

but Friday's coming and
it's the perfect day to start again
take back what's got messed up
and jsut start it again
redeem me from the ashes
tear it down
we're starting over, starting over

and when it's friday
feels like the air has stopped
all around me
something's happened in the dark
and all around us
there's the air of something different
all around us
it's starting over, starting over

don't be scared my love
don't be scared at all
tomorrow is the perfect day
for starting over
starting over
starting over with you and me
and everybody else
we're starting over

___________________________


i love rainy mornings
when the sun is just close enough to up,
the world is transluscent
and damp.
i'll sing about coffee shops
and lost loves
and harbor selfish memories
in that sad early hour
with the heater on in the car
driving to someplace
for new memorable moments
that i will someday recall
on a morning just the same.

_____________________________


Find Me

seeking You in unexpected places
looking to recognise You in a lunchhour
..in a conversation, to know Your familiar hand
in a heartbeat, in a cityscape..
driving in smog-laden queues
in lonely offices, on a misty road. looking
at a prison, trying to escape my own
seeking You, I am lost

_____________________________

Easy.
I wish it was this easy, that I might close my eyes, and wake to find
That in the night, something strong restored my heart, the road ahead
Suddenly appears for me, and I am newly free.

Lovely.
That's what they say, that I might let it all go, and let off the hook
Freedom in the breaking of the day, the breaking in of light.
Here I am freshly made whole again, undone.

And I wait for you to come.
To answer things I ask.
To fix what's been undone.
To tell me I am worthy of your love.

I want to tattoo my name on your heart
Where no one else can see it but me.

In the moments of quiet, the moments of noise.
To know that you carry me there. Indelible. Untouchable.
Is it so bad, to want to own part of you?

It's more primal, than what this clean-cut place allows for.
It's a limiting, dangerous thing
To take ownership of someone else, to be owned.
An elixir of divinity. To carry something so precious here on earth.

It's an illusion, that if I carry some part of you, and you me
That it will cease the pull and tug
When I see you, know you, have to share you.

_______________________________________


inspired fever
opens windows into
brain hemispheres
tamed into dormancy
by academia and repetition
every so often

bubble

some lunatical jumble of words
collide together
on a page
or in some html code
hopefully amuses someone...
of my pulse

if you've ever had
the kisses of an older man
they are sweet and soft
he is full of wisdom and life
his lips are warm and frail
but honest when they meet yours

if you've ever had
the kisses of an older man
you will learn things you never knew
and see things only the old now
all shown to you in a kiss
revealed in a caress

Get her, get Wisdom
and your understanding
find her at whatever cost
respect the age you are for
a girl like me will love
a man like you when you are
older and wiser

under the kisses of an older man
you will feel alive, he will
gift you with his life
and youthful men can only fuel
their own fires, so treasure him
wth grey dark mottly hair and body

the hands of an older man
can shake and tremble with more truth
than when we are young and foolish
he may be nearly blind but he sees me
don't be weakened by your prideful youth
his wiser kisses tell the truth

Today I turned the pages of the book
and found in my disgrace that they were written on
a story with my name in it
that I could not erase

she dances in the moonlight where no one cares to see
she dances to the music that she longs for you to hear
she dances only when she needs to say the words she can't
she dances when she ought to use the phone instead

today I turned the pages in the book you gave
and found that I was getting older every day
I glanced into the mirror above it's ivory pages
and I found amongst my curls the sign of grayness.

I didn't mean to grow so old so fast
that the hair upon my head would show my age
I'm reading with the pages just as fast as they appear
but I had no way of knowing how the story found me here

I'm dancing in the moonlight where no one cares to see
I'm dancing to the music that I long for you to hear
I'm dancing just to find the words that quickly disappear
I'm dancing just in case you ever call

I promise I won't skip ahead or cease to turn the page
I promise I won't hide from all the sentences that cry
I promise I won't stay here in the glow of chapter three
I promise I won't keep the ending out of sight
I promise you, I won't take all the grayness out.

Wisdom you have called it, age of sorrow I could say
Either way, I'm here now and life is here to stay
The joys they come as quickly as the rain
But always in the mirror now, there'll be that sign of gray.

This is my old new everything hymn
i'll speak of suffering
i'll speak of majesty
i'll speak of everything you mean to me

I have suffered, wrestled and fought with all of my might
all of my strength, i have cried, i have cried
I have cried, but you're still who you say you are
i have suffered endless silences, endless prayers
i have cried, but you're still who you say you are

This is my old new everything hymn
i'll speak of suffering
i'll speak of majesty
i'll speak of everything you mean to me

And i've tried to sing the songs of every man
i've tried to sing the songs to say what i can
but here i am speechless in my own language
here I am, come find me here again, come find me here again

i have worshiped you, been voiceless and fearless before you
i've seen the dawn and fallen, down on my knees, down on my knees
i've lifted my head and felt freedom again, felt free
i've rediscovered beauty on earth, i've cried and smiled, i've laughed
you're still who you say you are, you're still who you say you are

This is my old new everything hymn
i'll speak of suffering
i'll speak of majesty
i'll speak of everything you mean to me

And i've tried to sing the songs of every man
i've tried to sing the songs to say what i can
but here i am speechless in my own language
here I am, come find me here again, come find me here again


and how can it be, i'm so relentlessly awful
and you're so, majesty evermore
and how can it be, i'm so relentlessly awful
and you're so, majesty evermore

This is my old new everything hymn
i'll speak of suffering
i'll speak of majesty
i'll speak of everything you mean to me

And i've tried to sing the songs of every man
i've tried to sing the songs to say what i can
but here i am speechless in my own language
here I am, come find me here again, come find me here again

Starbucks Napkin
You better watch
out for the Man in
unexpected places & stay
mind full of your
own dark tendency to
rise & fall like the stock market
on waves of pop culturity.

No, your compass has lost it's
northward point to authenticity
and this franchise has
won your over with a
pretence to your beatnik heroes
fools you with it's fair trade
beans still harvested
by those hands scarred and
weathered, that never held a pen
or wrote a poem.

the heartbeat of this city
has moved SoHo art from SoHo to
Westside and pretty soon
you'll find yourself lost
in the Grid because the new
arists & poets write
beats in Starbucks.

_________________________________


A Christmas Prayer

Lord as we celebrate Your birth
May we live knowing
Jesus, You are our Hope
Jesus, You are our Peace

May we share with all those around us
Family, friends and strangers that
Jesus, You are our Joy
Jesus, You are Love

Great God of love and light.
We remember the star that shone
to first lead people to your Son.
Lead us now, by the light of your love, that
we also may follow you to new life in Him.

Teach us and show us how to live in love
In a world that is filled with violence.
May we be just, truthful and willing to love
All those that we meet along the way.

Those that are filled with sorrow
May they know joy & be comforted
Those that are hungry
May they be fed & be satisfied

Those that are lonely
May they know love & find community
Those that are angry
May they find peace & restoration

May we love freely
And know God with Us
May we give joyfully
And know God with Us
May we receive with wonder
And know God with Us

As we celebrate Your entry into
The human timeline by birth
Messy, complicated, mysterious

May You enter into our lives again
Glory be to God
Amen

Lord, hear the cry of your Children
We are weak, we are limited in understanding
Grant us your eyes to see and ears to hear

For the sake of the Kingdom, may we strip ourselves away
For the sake of Your name, may there be nothing left
For the sake of those who do not yet know Your Love
Make us humble at the feet of our brothers and sisters

Teach us to learn from those around us
Teach us to walk in Your ways
Refocus our eyes, change our lens
Cleanse from us the sin of pride

In a world where there are many Right Ways
Simply help us to avoid the Wrong Ways.
In a world where there are many Voices
Help us to listen wisely, and to speak more so.

For the sake of the long-time, middle-aged, newbie and not-yet
For the sake of Us, the Followers
Tell us again the Story of finding and feeding sheep.
Find us, feed us again.

and you do so much wrong
because you like the taste
of crime on your tongue crying out
oh honey, i'm undone

oh you won't fall in love
til you know that you can't screw it up

A Prayer For Me
Lord, I worship because You are worthy of it
I worship because it reminds me how very great You are
and how very great I am not
it helps me to keep life on a very human scale.

Lord, I lead because You have given it to me
because my ability to do this task is God-given
I remember that there are some who are younger, newer, fresher
to lead in worship, life and loving You.

Lord, I serve because You did first
because it is necessary to stay close to the ground
being down here, reminds me that those who are younger, newer, fresher
have so much to offer to my growth and worship

Teach me to lay down all that has been given
to wait with open hands for that which You daily place there
Give me all that I need to serve and love and lead
make my spotlight a private place before Your throne

lead me in the way of everlasting hope
from above me, below me and all around me
that my humanity would be small but not small-minded
and my life would swell with only Your divinity

Amen

Oh Lord, help me.
Once upon a time, I had faith.
Once, I had eyes that saw beyond here and now.
Once, I could listen and hear your voice in the breath of the earth.

Now I feel cold and alone.
You still are. Not nearer, nor farther.
Just are. Yet I am absent, and I long for you.

Shine your light. Lift my sad head, to see your light.

Confessions

I bow my knee and lift my head
I look to you in reverence
there's nothing left that I can say or do

in this moment I am desolate
without your love I wouldn't last a day
every moment I rest on You

I remain undone by what You say
to me and how You change my life
with Your love and grace
You have redeemed me
my brokenness forgotten
Your life it seems to grow
within my soul, Your love takes hold

so mark this my confession
there is nothing left to give away
oh I adore You, I adore You

and all of my belonging
comes to rest upon this place
oh I adore You, I adore You

let me give this heart completely
followed by this life, my love, my all
for I adore You, I adore You

I adore You, I adore You
Your grace upon my face to shine
Your light this life to live within...

Confessions

I bow my knee and lift my head
I look to you in reverence
there's nothing left that I can say or do

in this moment I am desolate
without your love I wouldn't last a day
every moment I rest on You

I remain undone by what You say
to me and how You change my life
with Your love and grace
You have redeemed me
my brokenness forgotten
Your life it seems to grow
within my soul, Your love takes hold

so mark this my confession
there is nothing left to give away
oh I adore You, I adore You

and all of my belonging
comes to rest upon this place
oh I adore You, I adore You

let me give this heart completely
followed by this life, my love, my all
for I adore You, I adore You

I adore You, I adore You
Your grace upon my face to shine
Your light this life to live within...

Our Prayer
Our Father who lives in heaven
How beautiful your name
May you be honoured in this place

You supply my needs
& for every living thing
A time and a season

For all that I have done
Please forgive me Father
Teach me to forgive

Let your kingdom come
May your will be done, oh Father
Let your kingdom come
May your will be done

Keep me away from the darkness
May I be yours for always
Forever and ever be yours
Yours be the glory
Yours be the power
Forever and ever, our Father

Let your kingdom come
May your will be done, oh Father
Let your kingdom come
May your will be done

Amen

Our father, who lives in heaven
How beautiful your name
May you be honoured in this place

Amen

tonight at 1am i'm still alive
i can feel it pulsing through my fingertips
a life being breathed in and out of my body
this hope being stirred deep within

tonight at 1am
the moon is a wonderful compass of love
so bright and full and shining down
lighting up the darkness like daylight

I will carry on, Lord. I will seek You out.
Not because your plans are great, or wiser, or more trustworthy.
I can't say any of those things honestly.
I hope that they might be, but I realise I don't want to be dishonest with You
by claiming a promise I do not hold, a faith I cannot hold up.
I will carry on, and seek You out
because You are the beginning of satisfaction.
You are the beginning of Comfort, the beginning of Love.
I am too human, and analyse too much the end of things.
So I will look to the beginning.

You make all things new in Your presence.
I still wish that I understood these things though.

Lord, make me with the spirit of a barren woman
ever ready to pour out my oil, a vessel empty
and awaiting your gift

a dangerous prayer
for emptiness is dangerous territory
but with all my heart and soul
I entrust to you a seed
that is willing to lay down in the soil
and lay out it's life
anticipating a less than easy death
but a restorative, worthwhile conception

help me, Lord
to lay down in the soil
and be buried
and also to die
not just go on living
in damp darkness

Precious & Few
dark skies and quiet hours
i'm restless now
images of baby breath
floating in and out
reassuring I'm here now
in a breathless moment

these dark hours get filled
with quick spoken whispered words
of all manner of things
we might change the world
a corner of this place
at least it's possible
while the world sleeps

recreate and meditate
and stretch a little wider
than we've been before
on words that float and fill
the darkness of the night
hours so precious and so few
when all the world is quiet
and we find space at last

it always aches in the morning
feels too bright in the light
a pleasant sort of pain
a mark, a scar from late night words
that heal a thousand things
makes use of all my energy
pours me out again, fill up
fill my cup with midnight hours
so precious, so few

Benediction
Great Heart of my heart
Search the depths of my soul
and see that You inhabit every part
each inch of skin and breath
lives only in the presence of Your
Great Love

If I am to give you my Liberty, then you must give it back to me, entrusting me with yourself, and trusting me enough not to abandon you once I have made my promises. Allow me the grace to wound you, to nurture you, fight with and challenge you, and to give you myself tenderly. Expect from me, my Love given with abandon, and displayed with bright, shining Creativity. I will make beautiful things for you, to look at, to hold, to laugh and cry with, to enjoy and to immerse yourself in. All that I do, will be to beautify and ready you for what you are called to.

If I am to give you my Liberty, then you must give it back to me and allow me to breathe deeply with all that I am, and accept with love & affirmation all that is part of me. Respect me, hold me with value, protect me, nourish and care for me as if I was always one of your own. I may not be blood of your blood, but treat me as if I am, for I have taken you into the center of my heart.

If I am to give you Myself, that is so precious and dear and worthy, then you must go with me to the deepest places, and show me all yourself, in every facet perfect and imperfect. I will show you my love by loving every part of you. We will be the Light reflecting into one another, and bringing hope to the dark places we find within ourselves.

I promise you, I pledge to you my Liberty, if you can live with this hope...

"This is what we are all dying for --- something that demands we step up and become better, more focused people. Something that calls out the greatness that we hope is somewhere inside of us."

Come swimming with me, Love. We will negotiate these waters together, and be stronger for it. I will bear the sting, if you will calm yourself and let me find the Path.

Light

don't want to think about
the darkness within
don't need any more than my
present heavy sins
just hold on to me
and let us celebrate

i give a little light to you
you bring a little back to me

______________________________


Light Up My Skies

light up my skies darling
no one but you can
fleeting electric jolts
to my existence

everything is powered
by the dark and light
of connecting to you
momentarily darling i live

_______________________________


Oh for me to live is Christ
And in him love abides
O touch my eyes that I may see
With child-like heart to wonder
O make my feet that I may run
The way of holiness beside the Lord

Oh for me to live is Christ
When You bestow Your Grace
Here in You my love awakes
Finds it’s Highest call
Be none of self and all of Thine
Your life in me abound

Oh let me live for Christ
There can be no other cause
All my heart wants to pursue
Is only you, is only you
My life is found in You,
Here fixed upon, the deepest Truth

So I will live for Christ
and in that moment death shall but disguise
My life eternal and complete
My life well satisfied
My life in Christ abide
And He with I, abide, abide, abide, abide

Well I’m so tired
Of falling in love
Finding it easier to fall out
You can’t deny it
I feel it inside Cupid’s fire
I can’t hide

oh my soul
fly to that resting place
beneath thy Beloved's face

be still and know
that He is God
and everything about the Way
is understood

There's a whisper of you in a coffee cup, sitting outside under green shades.
I'm making decisions to leave you alone, but you're whispering back to me.
You quiet me and I want you more.

Fleeting, Fragile Breath Of Life

fleeting, fragile breath of life
i have loved you even while
in the dark, secluded space
you were made, so well
you have left me right
before I had the chance to tell you
everything there is to say to
someone fragile, precious as you are

darkness, light colliding
here upon this broken, fragile heart
my own delight as fleeting as the
moments of your breath
precious, fragile, fleeting
breath of life you steal
away from me so silently

loved
you are
my
precious
fragile
fleeting
one

i will love you til the end of me

you said be with me
and I said I am young
you said we'll get older
i said it could be fun

you said be with me
and took me by the hand
I looked into you
and wanted all you had

you be careful with me darling
you uphold me
and I'll be careful with your love dear
how it carries me
I carry your heart in my heart
I carry it under my skin
let's hold on together
I will honour you

you said be with me
I said I'm older now
you said it didn't matter
and I was getting colder
I said I want you to hold me
you said you had the time
I wish I had more to offer
all I have to offer are these old, aching arms

you be careful with me darling
you uphold me
and I'll be careful with your love dear
how it carries me
I carry your heart in my heart
I carry it under my skin
let's hold on together
I will honour you

I carry your heart in my heart
I carry it under my skin
I carry your heart in my heart
I carry it under my skin
I carry your heart in my heart
I'll be faithful

You betray me with a kiss, a thought, a fear
and it rises from inside me, everything resting on
your whim and will, I live on the edge
of a dream, folding, rising and it could break
turn to me with hidden eyes, secrets I could keep
you betray me with a kiss but I resist
I will believe the best of you

and all you wear is silk and lace
beneath old woman's clothes
always looking after porcelain
and it glows under the light in your eyes

and that noone ever touched this skin
or held that curve under a dark gaze

Do not cast me into the shadowlands of your existence, nor into the darkness that never sees the light of day. For I've upheld you into the sunlight of my life and connected you to the thread of lifeblood in my world.

___________________________________


i'm sorry for the person i became, so sorry that it took so long for me to change
i'm ready to ensure i never become that way again... who i am is who i've been

___________________________________


there are days when I remember you and on those days
your shadow falls over every other face I've loved
it's true you were the worst to me but turns out
there is one love in this life and you were mine
your name is written on my palm and pressed against my heart

"and where you go may angels watch over you and walk the same road ahead and behind of you all the time you wait and you watch and you seek out the beautiful and the hopeless in misery all the days you watch....

and where you may angels watch over you and walk the same road and bring you home on the straight line and let you walk it wise with your heart wide open never broken or beaten may you find the beautiful in surprised disguise... "

Somewhere Now Falling Through Space.

somewhere now falling through space
is the breath i will breathe
in the moment you pass into the room
and the sigh i'll exhale as you go by

falling through space the light
that will rest in my eyes three weeks from now
from the moon to the sea at the end of the jetty
and the sunset glow that will make us

climbing into starlight
the moments we'll hold on to as definitions
and glass balustrades holding our
fragmented selves together in salvation

feeling it in all the spaces
i'm making up for missing out before
i'm taking back the armies i sent in search
of your borders, i'm surrendering

closing up the aching wounds that
hang around like ghost in deserted towns
packing up the sorrows in the attic
welling up, i'm surrendering

filling up the silence of my heartsong
lighting up the darkness of my room
stripping out the sadness of my old
vocabulary, i'm surrendering

i think i found a new way home tonight
i think i found a different path than where we've been before
i think i found a new road to your doorway and i'm
waiting til you open the door, put on a light for me
i'm coming home to surrender

taking all the backroads one last time
thinking all the thoughts so i can say goodbye
i've packed yesterday in boxes and driven them away
i'm asking you to stay, i'm surrendering

and your light is just as radiant now
as it has ever been and even when before
i used to be so scared of how honest you could be
now I'm craving the rush of your truth in me
how i'm surrendering the darkness, the sadness of me

daybreak night shade
raw and holy

pure nakedness before a throne
of empty sky

searching starlit galaxy for
a King who would embrace me

now, expectant through my veins
earth water moonsky – in that Holy embrace

You’re making a Love
in my atmosphere for me to drink of

Been Home Lately

sky flashing and the heart's still racing
just like a long, long highway ride
hands touching and the night's still
bracing itself for the morning light
have you been home lately

living in a pocket grasp of my old life
carrying a beatup memory of my amorous self
holding back still holding you within
so everything can spark and sing
feels like coming home lately

i've been to lots of places
had you by my side, under my skin
but i've never been home with you
and the water rush and flood and burn
the light comes crashing in on me
and you within my heart, and on my mind
i've been to lots of places
had you by my side, under my skin
but i've never been home with you

grace fits me like a glove
everything can spark and sing
you by my side, under my skin
you within my heart, and on my mind

Coming Home

i see the light rising over the hills
and I know that I'm getting closer
day by day to where I'm gonna be
and I know i'm still far from home
cos I wasn't made for this place baby
I was just made for you

it's an alien footprint on this land
and colourful sand flies through my hands
i remember the scent of summer and the
warmth the hands of my father the one time
he held me close to him, so far from home
cos I wasn't made for this place baby
I was just made for you
home is just around the corner
in a year or two, sometime i'll get back home

days crumble into night and I'm all for escaping
there's no truth to the height of your passion
and the colour of treason you left me behind
the savagery of lovers when they push from the bed
cos I wasn't made for this place baby
but i'm stuck here to be close to you

i wasn't made for this place baby
my home is on a distant shore and i'm
not all that certain of how long it'll be
before i'm home, before i'm free but I'm
pressing on to the truth, to the light and
I know i'm washing you clean, here..
while I'm stuck being close to you...

onward, to the distant shore
onward to my Father's house
to a land I've never been
places only Heaven sees

to this day, I pledge my sight
not to close or turn my eyes
from the path, so steep inclined
this the narrow path I find

to the clouds of greatest sorrow
still I know my Saviour's pain
and the Gospel Love's companion
shapes my faith, my heart, my soul

find me climbing in the morning
taking step by step in starlight
for I travel where He leads me
on the narrow way I go

there He finds me, there He lifts me
with His hand so strong and still
bears me onward when I falter
when I fear and fail Him still

still I choose You, dearest Saviour
still I choose this rocky way
by my scars Lord, does Love grow here
so to love and bear Your name

love grows quickly by the hour
deeper still as yet I climb
hand held tightly to my Saviour
arms outstretched on either side

bring me Lord to your good measure
teach me wisely teach me well
let me learn the path so holy
help me climb that narrow way

grace that holds me while I tremble
lets me lean on Hope and Faith
grants me peace when storms are raging
grace that leads me on the way

little seed, you have carried the hope of my soul

you have been my world, my all, my invested self

i have finally learnt that burying you in the dark, damp ground

is the very task you were made for, that I was made for.



made to be buried, my confusion and sorrows

little seed, today you are gone down into the dirt and

i am empty handed again, bruised from holding you so tight

so long holding myself from the brink of homecoming



my pathway home, to the house of my father

the wide open, unknown but familiar embrace

is scattered with small burial mounds, hope filled moments

where I have learned to trust openhanded into the darkness



secretly I am burying myself, placing my too easily constructed

ideas into the earth to break down, shake out new strength

learning to breath in the big empty spaces

now that I am ready to be new.

Love Love Love
we never think things through
We fall all over each other

And there’s no telling exactly how this ends
cos we fall over each other to get to it
I certainly need you
red wine nights and moonlight songs
It’s so much waiting at the door
it’s as little as needs to be said
between the dawn and the dusk of it

How many days must we do the same old things
To get to the same old places that only bring us back
To misery

Your love is a lightening strike
A deep, dark warmth on a cooling night
A walking contradiction I can’t go past
so I come here again

how many days must we do the same old things
still find one another at the end of it

when the light rises it takes me with it
cast out adrift into the rush
the daylight crushes into me
steals my breath, catch hold of me
here on the cusp of bravery

put my hand in yours
put your hand in the small of my back
love is nothing if not known
in the smallness of your touch
love is everything brave about me
though I am a coward
holding your hand

Love, be satisfied that even
in silence, my heart cries out your name
(cripples me breathless)
in wonder of such brief syllables that make
such a weight. my tongue is thick on the
consonants (and takes flight in the vowels).

I know your name and the warmth that
springs up in my belly on it; whispered and dreamt
even in prayer is your name like sweetness
(on my tongue). I would wear you; like a garment
to be known by you, as you, like you (as your own).

My love is like a portrait of your name
in all richness (and freedom). Your name is the
sound of Love entering earth (and the heart being born)
and all at once becoming all (the beloved).

Do Not Wonder

do not wonder my darling
where my love grows
whether it grows towards you
makes itself a lantern to the lost

do not wonder, it grows
in the strongest part of me
the place nobody knows
my love does not grow in my thoughts

nor from my arms, strong and warm
as they are, they hold fast to all they
believe in. I believe in You, love
but there love does not grow.

not in my words, or hands, or face
nor where grace pushes through concrete cracks
my love does not grow where the weight of Your love rests
not in the heat or the rush or the gasp

do not wonder, my dear heart -
my love grows in the deep dark place
a place no one knows and barely I do
my love grows in the strongest part, my darling
my love grows in the intangible heart.

Do Not Wonder

do not wonder my darling
where my love grows
whether it grows towards you
makes itself a lantern to the lost

do not wonder, it grows
in the strongest part of me
the place nobody knows
my love does not grow in my thoughts

nor from my arms, strong and warm
as they are, they hold fast to all they
believe in. I believe in You, love
but there love does not grow.

not in my words, or hands, or face
nor where grace pushes through concrete cracks
my love does not grow where the weight of Your love rests
not in the heat or the rush or the gasp

do not wonder, my dear heart -
my love grows in the deep dark place
a place no one knows and barely I do
my love grows in the strongest part, my darling
my love grows in the intangible heart.

Lord... you have heard the words of the poet
behind every beauty there is some kind of pain
my burgeoning labour weighs heavily on me
with the unanswerable questions
like "why do you believe?"

I have no answers but a voice that sounds like yours
it's a voice on the wind
it's the summer i long for
it's the hope in the picture i'm painting
where late summer sun will warm my skin again
please let me not be cold that long

Lord... you know the wrestle of my heart unseen
the knifeblade of decision that sharpens on integrity
where is my justice Lord, where is my hope?
I have rested in your strength these years
but i am weary, the skies darken over me
You are not weary Lord, uphold me

everlasting one, draw near to me and i will yield to you
make my confessions of longing and hold on to my breath
catching my tongue on tears, kneeling on fist, head to floor
oh in this moment not to be alone
not to be in silence, not out of arms

and here is my whole heart and vision falling under shadows
here is my will submitting
Where is my justice Lord, where is my hope?
what now for the people? what now for tomorrow?
what left is sacred, what is left?

Wash the mud and spit from my eyes, heal my sight
wash the mud and spit from our eyes, heal our sight
make uncertainties clear, truth to light from fear
the many, make simple, make few, make right... make You.

there are times when i'm lead to be graceful
and times when i don't care at all for the words
that fall from my darkened lips, prayers and troubles, and ills

there are times when i know you'd like peaceful things
times that i can't measure up with my failings and worries
my secrets and crimes, i too easily carry my heart on the line

i know you've got plenty of angels watching
and i know you'd be hardpressed to leave me
but i'm falling off the world... hold on to me
it's hard to face courage & darkness at once

there are times when i pray cos i should, not cos i'm able
and times when i want everything complicated made simple
when my life is just a shadow formed by your light

i know you got everything held up in time
and i know you got me right where you want me
but i'm falling off the world... hold on to me
it's hard to face courage & darkness at once

there are times, love, when my hands are so open
it feels, love, i've got nothing at all left
there are times, love, you need to take me by the hand
so lend me your eyes, lend me your strength, hold on to me.

She's been loud, she's been quiet and meek. She's been sitting in a field of wheat and the light was golden, she finally grew older. Finally got to stand up on her own two feet. This girl, finally finding voice with which to speak.

_____________________________


The leaves hang by tender thread to branches drying out in the wind. The crisp blue light of clear mid-western skies falls down through golden tree cover and the breeze comes through the branches with enough gasp that the last of the leaves slip out of their grasp and descend to the ground. But the descending is just transcendant because the wind coming through the woods is slow and easy enough that the leaves just twirl and waltz their way to the forest floor. It's like watching cartoon snowflakes but in red and gold maple leaf stars instead. Standing in the midst of a shower of falling red and gold, falling gently and slowly enough to be captured on film and to watch with wonder is like standing under warm water rain for the first time. The rising breeze hits your nose with still clean grass and the sweetness of decay setting in.

_____________________________


A Poem Under Thunderstorms

before love could hold together
the great long shade of forever
you under new hope shine
first believe you're only everything
to some, me and other ones

At 30,000ft

at thirty thousand feet clear skies open
it clarifies my head and heart again
and lately when i'm stuck up here
i keep thinking of you, what you're up to
twenty six days and thirty two
of these airborne hours to go

i'm so far east and west of you
it crystallizes everything i knew
spirit in me calling for you
i wrote you a good letter, told you truth
'cept i didn't know how true it was
til i got home to you

that i am blessed, blessed
i confess that i am beyond my portion
my cup overflows

just tell me honestly and quick now
everything on your mind, clouding up the sky
breaking my heart is not so easy,
my grace allows
the darkness and the strife,
my heart stays in the light listening to
the thunder start to roll
but still i know, you're worth it in the end
and the storm above can blow
but close i'll hold you so
until forever is something we both can recognise
along with the colour in the sky
return to blue

I Won't Let Go Of You


Fish the moon like an arrow
I'll hold on to this narrow wire
I won't let go of you
In the darkness of the moment
Nylon burns on the line of my fingers
but I won't let go of you

You can be as strong as you like
For as long as you want
But I won't let go of you

You can crumble into pieces
and fall over the cliff
but I won't let go of you
I'll gather all the pieces
until you find the magic glue
I won't let go of you

You can be as brave as you can
As fearless as you're able cos
there's just no way, no reason
for me to ever, I just won't ever
I won't let go of you

So please
when you're launching into darkness
know that
I'll be waiting on the end of the line
cos I know
everything be alright in a little while
so please
keep on with the letting go of it and
know that
there is a patience that is long enough
cos I know
you're worth it in the end, so hold on
so please

you can be as strong as you like
for as long as you want
but I won't let go of you
so worth holding on to
I won't let go of you

you can be safe and fearless even reckless
you can live out on the edge
cos I won't let go of you
I won't let go of you

Oh I live in a land of regrets
oh there are a few but mostly i forget
the names, the places
it's just the feelings I remember
and the look in your eyes
of complete surprise, I always took you by surprise

but i have never loved the easy road
i like the rocky, turning path
i move around my shadow like the sun
i let the struggle break me til i'm soft
and i rise up the victor in the end
a softer girl than i began

_______________________________


Requiem For Moonlight


once in the shadow of a dark moon
caught in the lamplight flicker
hope danced on a black sky
dimples of light where her feet landed

hope knows how to dance on the deep darkness
in the depths she latches on with fury
curls up her will into lightening
eyes flash and spirit leaps

i am living beyond the horizon my whole life long
you'll never catch me
nor trample the starlight I leave behind

_________________________________________________


i might be made of pieces
but i'm not fucking broken
so move your hand from my cheek
and from my back
i don't need your strength to stand
i'm not broken despite the best attempts

i might be made of pieces
but i'm not over
and i'm satisfied to work on that
cos on my knees, some humility
God knows the state of my heart
not fucking broken, strong enough

this is a life in progress
and I'm a heart of pieces
perfectly designed for easy examination
heartbreaks and rebuilding destinations
i'm not over, i'm not over
324 perfect little pieces
piecing me back again, again

i have a strong heart
my mother gave it me
when i was young and ever since
i've kept in good nick
a strong heart
it withstands heavy things
good luck breaking it

i might be made of pieces
mostly from the inside out
parts of the heart that live outside my shell
and beat a tattoo that I know on my soul
pieces, where'd i learn to be so strong
got it in pieces, from the broken ones
but i'm not broken i'm not broken
just a collection

Love Of A Long Time


it takes a long time to love
cos love is a creeping vine
entangles and entwines you
and it likes to take it's time
gets deeper with each winter
each sorrowed autumn drought
and the spring rains in September
they give seed to love itself

when first you thought you ever knew him
and years before you did
there were glimmers in the heart, before the loving ever starts

just a whisper you belong here
safe within his strong heart arms
and the chuckle of surrender along a girlish tender laugh

when first i knew you love was hurried
a faint and grand idea but it's settled on my secret heart
your name, and love has grown there
five long summers in six years, broken dreams along the way
whilst i thought once had loved so truly
our true love grew on the way

call me home within that strong heart
where I've shared some sorrows too
and the joy of our long love dear, is what brings me home to you.
and when i'm far from you remember just how deep this love has grown
i am yours now, all entangled and your strong heart is my own.

it takes a long time to love
love likes to take it's time
might take an hour every day for six years in a row
might take a full moon and a promise when love starts to grow
leave time love, for the fighting, for wounds to heal a mite
and the love gets better for the depths of it, the loving's better for the scars

keep a picture of the heart in envy
take one in ecstasy, and let them both live in the memory
so you see what love can be

take me home into that strong heart,
to the only home I know
and make me laugh dear, with the memories
of the long road home to here.

i built this hard, love, with my fierce heart
i refused to let you go, once i realised what we were dear
what love we have become.
they might ask me why a strong man, when i could have asked for less
but i'll say i wanted heart, your strong heart that loved me best.
we work so hard to make a life but the love is big enough
and that's why it is so hard at times because the love is much too much

it took so long to learn surrender, my truth, but i learn it from your arms.

Ambition.


there are the dark days
that cloud the mind right from the start
there are the eulogies i compose
for my own goodbyes
there are the melodies i've learned
to sing by heart when i'm alone, afraid
my life has been a song of sorrows

there is a quietness that i have never shaken
a terrifying absence and depression
that most of what i dream of will never come to pass
cos i imagine life too big before i even start

and my ambition is to make a difference
as large a one as i ever could concieve
and my name may never be made known
my ambition stays the same
i'd make a difference to your heart

i've read ten thousand names and whispered them aloud
i've spent long nights awake perfecting every part
i've listened to the heartbeat of a thousand lives
and heard the same refrain, and i've tried to make a difference

there are the words that stick
within the corners of the mind
there are the tears that start
with any memory of long hard nights
there are the sad songs and poems
that walk me through the days
my life has been a song of sorrows

and my ambition is to make a difference
collecting all the stories my life is made of
and if i could somehow remember all their names
my ambition was to make a difference to your heart
and their names would make the finest start

my eulogy can start anytime you like
as soon as you feel satisfied, i'll take the walk
i simply ask to see a thousand faces beside the Son
and remember me where i made a difference to your heart

A Collection Of Stanzas

1.
i want to cry forever
until my tears are dry
i want to cry forever
until i'm washed away
i want to cry forever
until my skin is pale
through and through
til there is nothing of me

2.
how precious is grief
like a numb and sting
all at once and over again
how quiet is the pain
though my heart is loud inside my skin
my words fall into silence
and i hold on fast to them

3.
i don't need you to argue for me tonight
not with me, yourself or any other ghosts
oh let angry words put down their curses
and weapons aim their sights away
let rain wash all things clean again
oh what other good is there for a storm tonight?

4.
have mercy with your words tonight
in your arms tonight
for the sake of our love and my hurt tonight
don't break me, have mercy tonight
i break and i boil and live a little
where you are even when you're far

5.
love has a way through valleys and rises
there must be a way of peace through all of this
for all i've done wrong
all that's pulled apart
all injustice decried

if you're torn all to pieces
i can mend a broken heart

las profundidades de mi corazón

so i keep on talking
late into the night
and parts of me feel mostly dead
you're keeping me alive

so age is not the passing
or a measure of what's past
just keeping score of what
we've given up, my love
you saved my life tonight
you did it twice before you noticed
i was drowning in the dark
then you came to me

come and be my lover
marry me for good
you can be my anchor

i will be your truth - and hold me to the light
marry me for good and always
you can be the anchor
in the depths of my heart is you
So i keep on talking
and Im out of breath
and all I am is light and dark
and there's no words left

But in the depths of my heart
in the depths of my heart
in the depths of my heart is you

Fragments Of Songs I'm Writing For You.


dark night on a long road
220 minutes still to go
spacing out time on odometer
with all our stories running through my head

if we stretched out all the spaces
we had nothing much to say
we'd be further than it seems right now
we'd still not be ok
we're farther than we started
we're still more than far away

if i opened up the wreckage of this life
you'd see sparks fly from my insides
and the flames burn higher for the silence
my spark wants you to stay, for the road home

------------------------

you
take
me
piece
at
a
time
with
no
patience
for
my
spirit
weak
tired.
you
take
me
apart.

------------------------

oh my dear sad heart
on far shore you proclaim
the strength of days the hope
of past mistakes restored i
am only ever waiting on a
star to fall from
outer reaches of the
dark, fragrant spaces.

oh the dearest, the best
save all the letters and
re-scatter them, make new
beds we lie in every Saturday
and new songs rewritten
in each small perfection
a confection of the melancholy
perfect symphony of catastrophe.

laid upon disaster oh the
vanishes of deep blue skies
and conflicting pinstripes call
nothing left on wasting time
floating on the current of the
day with light accompanying
you to heaven with a violent
twist, an aching kiss.

How Easy It Is To Mistake Grief For Loneliness And Vice Versa

I'm feeling the Ache tonight
and i don't know why still i know it was right
to hear your voice today but you echo in me tonight

the breath of God is falling, in the ruach Elohim
like rivers to my soul still i am empty
waiting for rain to come

come fill my sorrows til the cup is done
my skin is burning for the company of a friend
my life is turning with whispers of the end
i'm holding on, holding on

my song is not yet done, my kiss is still on hold
my lips are full of words my heart is not silent
you echo in me tonight, your voice is in my head
and God is present and around it

you search for love notes in the corners of my room
hidden in boxes and for rainy days
but i tell you honestly, you will not find them there
i've written them under your skin

you'll learn to love the whiskey on my tongue
like honey, like raisin and rum

He Aprendido De Sus Labios.

from corners and shadows
the echoes of blue shattered with moonlight
falling from below the world

i have learned from your lips
the sound of hunger
and from your touch the sight of horror
from your lips wonder and sorrow comes
in the breath of the night
like a lamp set on fire

in daylight and winter
the crisp burn of the frosthit ground
rising in the aftermath

i have learned from your lips
the endless thirsting
and from your words the silence of love
from your lips promise and sadness falls
in the breath of the night
like a lamp set on fire

in dying flames and blue smoke
the embers and the ash of warstrikes
to the heart and truth of it

i have learned from your lips
the satisfaction
and from your want, the never coming
from your lips the true and untrue kiss
in the breath of the night
like a lamp set on fire


Monday, June 30, 2008
My Trouble.
at the bottom of the glass
at the end of the page
whatever road you carry on with
you're gonna go on your own
there's nothing you take with you
when you go down to the sorrows

sorrow burns my eyes tonight
sorrow burns my eyes tonight
cos beauty is born and dies in the sadness
and i am sweetly blind
stuck in the middle of coming and going
stuck in the doorway of my trouble

if i leave you, i leave you
when i go down, down
to the darkness of sorrows
blue light shining
all around me
trouble's light and trouble's woe
all around me

at the bottom of the glass
at the end of the page
friend become a empty foe
words slip off the pages
fall unformed from my lips
dark in the valley
when i go down, down

sorrow burns my eyes tonight
sorrow burns my eyes tonight
cos beauty is born and dies in the sadness
and i am sweetly blind
stuck in the middle of coming and going
stuck in the doorway of my trouble

in the land of sorrows
light is blinding with a pinspot
on my kindness every grace is sharpened
against my skin for the blue light gathers in
whatever is gained under the light you cannot keep
can't bring a soul with you cos they'll never quite leave

ode to 16 minutes before showtime at the first public showing

you are the heady space between nausea and applause
the dark seconds ticking by
with apprehensive good luck wishes
thoughts of every other moment we wished ourselves free of

humiliation and cluttered mind to find three chords
here on a fretboard, distortion pedal, ivory and bass drum
rest, 3, 4 and tuning. walk, pace, turn, fidgetting in
perfect time with a scratched nailpolished forefinger twisting

through hair and pacing yourself, too much punctuation and too
few word phrase lyrical melodies in the head oh peace in closing
black dustbound staged perfectly cramped sweaty bliss of
16 minutes before the clock countdown to relief and in all this

breathing is sometimes more complicated that you expected.

ode to elongated sentences, adjectives and syntax that wraps around the corners of the world

you solely possess the unerring ability to
make me smile, laugh, cry and sink
deep below waves of torrent emotion and
otherwise reknown experience and all

in a series of movement known as teeth and tongue
sharp intakes and breath and exhaling whoosh
words sound so different in the head when swimming round the
brain cavity rather than the resonators

but still on paper wrapped around corners
so precise and specific in their unveiling of perfect
adjectives and cobwebby words that were once loved and
left behind in the gobblegook chasing down on sunlight

leaving nothing but abrupt shadows of fleeting ideas
barely grasped but in bright dazzling light
you sit on the page so elegantly, so full and complete with
rounded bellies and strong thighs, architectural wonders

words that have learned to caress one another.

ode to the view from my window at 5.48pm on a Wednesday



newcall you're always

so hustle and bustle

with your crisp overfabricated

solid brick lines of 1983



you speak in short blunt sentences

of illustrious views you have

from corner offices

you whisper your smug delight to



church steeple

always so envious of her sleek lines

and how she soaks up the evening light

like a vacuum built just for golden rays

of early evening



both of you submissive to the

reservoir that holds all hope

within it's grey exterior

i wonder if hope gets warm

as sunlight hits the sides

of your great reserving force



how beautiful it is

to know the secret intimacies of the west

while facing east

seeing nothing of the fact

but knowing the full naked effect

of the sun setting at our backs



the four of us sitting so

resolutely on a quarter block

above Odeon.

ode to the Galbraiths chef sitting at the backdoor.

pink flustered mottle cheeks
ripe like peaches or pork belly

you stand like a beacon to
long hours and
damp hot sweaty
oil slick
conditions

the set of your chin is
vacant and motionless
as if born that way

busy
hassled
frought

this order and that
with one swing of a teatowel
over a jovially round shoulder
you pivot

back into orders of
fries and pies
pub grub

you wonder about
fine cuisine
and peter gordon
throwing pearls before
swine
and thank God for yeast.

ode to the cigarettesmoking man in ngaruawahia

lungbuster
in stubbed shorts with
a winter tan protuding
on strong legs

hiding in shadow
of a beer belly
pie belly
donuts and pastry
construction worker
truck driver
all the jobs you
might have had

causing you to wear
very nonFashion Week
fluoro yellow

on the side of the road smoking
in ngaruawahia

at least your lungs must be
warm and that congested feeling
must be comforting
at 7.30am

a waikato september

I am tired now
Just lately when I think about it

Whoever said apathy wouldn’t get me
Whoever said that you wouldn’t rub off on me
Who ever said
Cos I was never that honest with you
I am tired now just
Lately when I think about it just
Lately when I think about it just
Lately when I think about it lately

And my head feels a little colder
My heart feels a little smaller
My world seems a little shorter
Something must be gone just
Lately when I think about it just
Lately when I think about it just
Lately when I think about it lately
Things just aren’t the same

a little darkness now
a little silence in the staunch
white light
that calls me out of this sadness.

a brief sorrow
shared in ether for a soul
i could barely know
but love has grown so that i grieve her.

Lucidity Speaks

When you speak, how often I must
listen with baited breath
to hear the thing you might say
next, could be funny or serious

off guard, i tend to spend these moments
and makes me like an addict
for I love the rush of blood to my
head when you make me think

before I speak, so I don't get it wrong
so I don't regret, but I live regretting
these moments, precious, few
i spend in awe of you, when Lucidity speaks

it reminds me that there's something in the
air around us that I'm breathing funny
something makes me come alive
ideas that once were silent fly into

the sky that wakes and blinks in
blue hues that colour everything around us
somehow sharper with your eyes wide open
your voice softly speaking things aloud

where I can hear them, over rush of blood
and thought where they are blooming now
in sunshine of your fertilising mind, strange
how coincidence draws you to new places

where I've decided I would share a glass
of wine with you that was old, red wine that
I would usually treasure with someone dear
like you could someday be, you shake me.