when i am old and gray
not so long from now
i will remember you
into the hills and valleys
i will carve the promise of your
great hope
i will tell children of the inspiring
shadows you cast as you walked
and where the river followed as you ran
i will not forget to remind them
of the care you took of the little flowers
how you tolerated the thorn
and understood the grief of the lily

i will hold onto you in the sunsets
and remember you as it rises, listening
to waves crashing down in their lament
for you, where you fade too quickly
from the earth
where human form leads you to decay
but spirit remains remains

from eat to west i will travel the land
make my path through the ocean currents
i will take your spirit with me
over the mountains you should have travelled
swimming in the sea
where your skin would've tanned
and your hair lightened.
cataracts should've formed pale discs
on hazel orbs.
we would've rushed to catch the scenery
whilst you were able.
paris, vienna, rome and through the desert
of africa
papua new guinea
where we buried your sister
before i knew her

i will tell my children how you loved your children
and suffered the indignity of being
married to a man out of age
but suffered with grace. i will tell them
how to his grave he proclaimed you
were the best in every aspect of his life
and i will weep my lament to heaven
for words he should have shared with you.

where is this grief that should have been
spun out with weariness and sorrow
tears that should have fallen on gravesides
memorial roses
or maybe the carrot beds that should've saved you.
i will remember you
i will weep where others have not
and be joyful for your spirit in me.

i'm such a strange strange girl
i don't like to make a fuss of my
femininity or my womanhood
i don't take serious enough the suffrage movement
i don't take serious enough
my biblical responsibility
i believe in mutual submission
but i look in the mirror
i see

oh i'm such a strange strange girl
mostly independent
mostly free of consequence
dependance and comforting things
but what does a strong girl do
what does a strong girl do
when she doesn't feel like
like being alone

what does a strong girl do
she can't put on a show like those other girls do
being meek and mild is not so easy for her
she is too quick to open her mouth
what does a strong girl do
when she is looking for a strong enough man
how does she convince him that she's
willing to tow the line.

should ahve put a padlock on my mouth
given up the key to some paternal figure
to measure the mess i've made of me
oh oh look up at the sky
oh how i've screwed it up this time

falling falling down down spirlling
to the ground i can' seem to find my feet
i'm dancing like a demon without a care
but oh look look
how i've screwwed this up again

should have put a padlock on my mouth
should have exercised control
i've learnt so much about myself this time
i know it must be truth
i've screwed it up again

oh what is there to do about it
ain't no sad sorry song to sing
i'll wear with a boldness and a swing
in my step oh boy look look up at the sky
oh oh i've screwed it up again

no more point in sorries to the wider public
it's not their accliam they wouldn't understand
the poetry in apology
instead i'll take my humble down down to the river
and wash it out, out damned cursed tongue
and foolish mouth, well now i'm laughing
cos i see the pointlessness with which i breathe
no care not enough care to stop myself before i
cut my nose to spite my face

should've put a padlock on my mouth
and stayed at home, not to run the risk
putting my foot in it, i spat my dummy
did a dance on the poor souls who dreamt to
put themselves in my way
oh oh foolish girl
sordid mouth that lives too loud outside her shelf
oh you've done it once again
i've done it once again
can't hide the slightest pride
on how i've done it once again

oh oh look up at teh sky
i've screwed up once again

oh darling
your heart reminds me of a time
when i was younger and more innocent
more willing to be squandered
and to waste away on dreams.

close your eyes
be blinded for a while
let it sink in
like you're swimming
in a mudpool
watching the fish dance

grow a chilled out new perspective
for yourself and no one else
quit racing against the clock you made
you'll wear yourself right out and gain nothing

i'll here now for a while, let you calm down
you can float along for a small time
outta here leave with your eyes closed
and wake up tomorrow still dreaming
the wonderland fog is more than acceptable here

my dreams are fading into restless wonders of what they used to be.

doyou believe in me anymore
now that you're far away from here
things don't make the same sense
out of the atmosphere they were born
you seem all distant now
and far away
makes it all seem like a convaluted dream
i'd like to make it all seem warm and near

are you believing?
in me

i'll never try to pretend that i don't feel this way
that sunlight isn't like another kind of blood to me
that i don't miss your touch as much as i can breathe
that i don't feel the kick and rub of when you're far from me

i will not pretend that it goes unnoticed now.

you know i'll do what it takes
i've never been afraid of
running headlong into the wind
or falling flat on my face
seems i've been gifted with genetic grace
for picking up the pieces so i'll

carry on, now love
be pummelling onwards til the dawn
all i need to make it to tomorrow
is three little conversations
with somebody who knows me
somebody i'm trying to love
and somebody who might have
something to teach me
i think i'll survive
another round.

whatever you do this time
don't let the love get you
it'll do its best but
don't let the love get you
convince you with red wine and romance
whisper you sonnets, but
don't let the love get you.

you can go very very far
with merely battle scars
but if you pack up your loves
carry them with you
they'll become heavy heavy
you don't want to carry them
all that way

so you've got something on your mind
oh now, don't let the love get you
and you've got trouble in your smile
so, don't let the love get you
you're in the middle of the fire
that flame is burning you
but don't let the love get you

your insides all light up, on fire
rushes to and fro inside your skin
your mind takes you places
you ought not to go
oh let the flame burn and cool it
down with eyes that speak
so alive now

everything you need body, taste it
don't let the love get you
all your sweetest dreams girl
don't let the love get you
it will pull and push you into
the strangest places
don't let the love get you

whatever you do this time
don't let the love get you
it'll do its best but
don't let the love get you
convince you with red wine and romance
whisper you sonnets, but
don't let the love get you.

what we know of love is
rush and heat and fire and burn
with the head throbbing
heart beating so fast and
the mind lose grasp of real
the love chases you down
to swallow you up

whatever you do this time
don't let the love get you
it'll do its best but
don't let the love get you
convince you with red wine and romance
whisper you sonnets, but
don't let the love get you.

this illness, this brutal shadow on our romance
this timely, uninvited breath of reality
this thing that hints at deathly
robs you of what is rightfully yours
and threatens all our newborn fleeting fancy.

i will not let you keep this private
i will make you open your eyes and tell me
look into mine and be frighteningly honest with me.
please don't let this be the thing that shuts the door.
please don't let this be the end of what we've hoped for.

i can feel the ending now
the credits rolling on a b-grade film
please don't let this be the thing that shuts the door.
please don't let this be the end of what we've hoped for.

my hands are small
much smaller than i thought they were
but everything is relative to comparison
with yours.

my hands are warm
they have always been but
they are colder than yours, they are
colder and smaller.

my hands are rough
i've always thought of them with callouses
with a patchwork of scars, but they are softer
softer and colder and smaller than yours.

what can i do with these small hands?
i do not play so well as you can.
what can i do with these warm hands?
they cry out to be warm.
what can i do with these rough hands?
these scars, and this leather skin.
i can make something from nothing with you

everything is relative in comparison with yours.
i can be small, cold and soft, needing your
size, warmth and strength.
the illustration is.... i can be independant
i'm tough enough to be alone now
or i can admit
some weakness, say i need you.

my hands are strong
they are strongest than most
they can pull down, tear away and rebuild
they are strong enough

my hands are gentle
they soothe and ease away frowning
they can relax and revive muscles and strength
they are gentle enough

my hands are quick
they can move like lightening
making music and making words that say everything
they are quick enough to speak

my hands are instinct
they know how to touch other
hands, lips, shoulders, arms in a caress
they are instinctive with you

what can i do with these small hands?
i do not play so well as you can.
what can i do with these warm hands?
they cry out to be warm.
what can i do with these rough hands?
these scars, and this leather skin.
i can make something from nothing with you

the rain is falling down again today
we know it doesn't matter anyway
though it leaves us
with sad grimaces on our faces
and small blue clouds relecting
on our eyes

tomorrow i will wake
up at the same time
with much the same amount or lack
of romance about it
it may rain
it may pour down light from heaven
we know it doesn't matter anyway

on friday last i saw you
singing sad old songs
in the rain to a sad old man,
you made him smile
it rained for half the set and the
rest was bathed in sun
we know it doesn't matter anyway

simpleminded adolescence died
in my whispering fingers
and against best innocence
your eyes are fading hard
like water drops end

don't get it wrong now love
take your time
you don't get to redirect it
no bright lights
no empty stage
no rehearsal
there's just no time

i'm sorry
you walk in the room and i'm sorry
you leave and i'm sorry
you look me in the eye
i'm sorry
you look away, i'm still sorry.

i didn't mean to step into your space
to make things too close
to challenge you to climb fences
to demand from you.

i didn't mean to be in your way
to be uncomfortable or heavy
can we take things back three days
let me say i'm sorry, and believe me.

we are a spiral cocoon of
misunderstanding and disbelief,
we clompete in angst and mood,
i wish i understood you better or at least
understood what you wanted me to do or be
to think or say.
i feel so helpless when you are broken.

i'm sorry. come back in.
return my call. tell me that you will be ok
that i am innocent and believe me.

let me tell you now
that you were beautiful yesterday
and if he did not love you even
for that one moment he was a fool
he may not love you always but
for those few minutes
we all loved you unerringly.

you were still yourself
with quiet eyes and still voice,
but your song was graceful
and you stood well in the light
remember how it pooled at your feet
and how you looked as though
with eyes closed you would be
flying above us all
we were all so delighted for you

so let me tell you now
in case later you are tempted to forget
yourself in view of his shadow
that you were beyond comparison.
i hope that your heart does not break
it would not alter the image of your beauty
but it may scar the memory.

i cannot hold the sky up
much longer
i am tiring of the weight
all that air and cloud
rainbows pressing down on me

i cannot hold up the stars
much longer
my faith is running out
i had no idea they
were so heavy

i would rather be now
down on my knees
face into the ground
smelling the dirt and feeling
the grass imprint on my cheek

waiting here beneath the sky
filling time before the sun goes down
filling up on raindrops
and windy offerings sing

standing here beneath the trees
winter kissing up around my knees
feet losing their grip on
soft soft ground, don't slip away

lying here under the air
don't know why i said i wouldn't go
heart is on a slow break
can't look out on a new day

you be patient with me now
too fragile if you break me, don't
cold rain has made me clean
standing look up, up away

it's raining now, coming down hard
elements of awkward in the air

gotta get some
air beneath my feet
ground moving swell
faster than i could walk
motor humming
songs of solace
moving me further away

the feeling that i want is
something like the airport
at 2.34am when the air is
cold and vast
and i am nearly flown away.

alone in the sky on
hilltop blown on the current
wind of tip toe
into sandy sea
never lonely here
but the comfort of the solace
makes some sense here to me
city bound solitude is
impossible to breed.

i want to be
light as air
floating through colours
of my own spectrum

leaving a trail of dust
as if i was never there
or hardly ever there
in the least of all these things

i want to leave without reflection

i will go home soon
escape the flourescence that
pales my skin and hollows
my eyes with shadows

i will disrobe from clinical attire
nylon and lycra synthetic blends
i will lose my height
taking off stilettos

i will wander naked
down to wash off the
dark falseness of the day
the smell of silence

i will half drown under
the hot steam and thunder
of water on my earlobes
regaining balance and spirit

i will not wait all night
for you to call, or even to arrive
i will be myself and be content with that
even if it means tv, icecream and slippers.

When you hold me in
a love-embrace
and tell me
I am a tiger,
full of heat and spark,
it cannot make it any less
true when you tell me -
I am a bird
flying out of grasp
or a fish
floating out of reach.
When you are far from me,
when I am moving farther

I think I like to be
the tiger best.
Close enough to taste your skin,
full of heat and spark.
But I think also you
prefer my likeness
at the safer distance of a dove.

the rewards of loving you
are less than obvious to the eye.
unless you look through mine, and
recognise the language there.

i would live alone
for moments like last night.
between the doorway where i was leaning & you, 12 people in the room.
we were alone.

as you played i captured the music
through my lens. i looked up at you
and knew, acknowledged back.
i captured our love on film.

the language of our eyes,
interpret now in the image.
in loving you, i have acquired new eyesight
and my lens sings aloud to capture you.

when all the world is quiet
i find my way to you
i steadily avoid it til there's
no place else to go
the road always converges
at the threshold of your throne
though i often argue with you
i am foolish this will i confess
imagine i could simply
escape you on and on

you are too involved
in all i am, my birth
for me to live
outside of grace
you would bestow
on me so willingly
yet still oh i refuse
to do things your way
me, rebellious child
oh make me silent

niceness